Scene 1:
Desiree sits with Madison at the coffee shop.
Desiree
I swear! Do I have the words “I go for losers!” written on my forehead? Every single one of them (kindly) – though different – (back to mad) was a loser! Bobby was a pothead, Cody was an alcoholic, Davie was a liar, and Eddie was a stalker. How do I escape it?!
Madison
Stop going for men with names ending with “E.”
Desiree
Oh, shut up!
Madison
It’s true. (imitating Desiree) “Oh, Frankie-poo and I are going to the carnival!”, “I’m gonna be too busy with Greggy-poo tonight at the movies!” “Henry-poo is going to fry up catfish for us tonight!” Really!
Desiree
Those names are equivalent to calling someone “baby.”
Madison
Right. You even call ME Maddy sometimes.
Desiree
That’s the name you told me to call you.
Madison
It’s Madison now.
Desiree
A preschooler never forgets a name, Maddy.
Madison
(frustrated) There’s your problem! Stop going for babies… or speaking to them like they’re babies. That gets really annoying to men after a while.
Desiree
Well if they start acting their age, maybe I would.
Madison
If some started acting their age they’d use you as a walker and ask for sponge bath.
Desiree
(sighs) I’d be changing diapers no matter what, I guess. (beat) I’m just tired of all this.
Madison
You can’t compare all your boyfriends to Alex, Mr. Perfect. Every man is different. Some like necks rubbed, while others like their feet massaged. Some like peanut butter and jelly, while others like ham and cheese.
Desiree
Listen to you. Talking like the professional dating pro. Have you dated someone and not told me?
Madison
(shyly) No.
Desiree
Oh, bull. Tell me who the lucky man is!
Madison
(defensively) Really, Dez, it’s nobody. I’m just suggesting what I would do for someone if I were with them.
Desiree
And what’s that?
Madison
I’d go star-gazing with them and go on hikes, and listen to really terrible music from the ‘80s.
Desiree
You sound like my type of gal… (curiously) but really, you can tell me…
Madison
Dez, it’s nobody. Stop rubbing it in my face about how I could ‘potentially’ be with somebody.
Desiree
You could be. With a great guy.
Madison
Not with you around. Always intercepting us then leaving only leftovers in town for us other ladies to feast on. And none of them would want to be with me anyway since they know we’re best friends. Let’s face it. I’m doomed to be alone forever.
Desiree
Don’t say that.
Madison
But at least I have a friend like you who I can live vicariously through.
Desiree
Oh that’s not true. Someone will come your way.
Madison
Not if you’re here.
Desiree
Are you telling me you want me to leave town so you have a chance of having a relationship?
Madison
No. But I’m tired of seeing all these men not interested in having another relationship right after you dump them.
Desiree
They leave me. They leave me heartbroken and wounded.
Madison
Oh, boo hoo. Better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all.
Desiree
Don’t you go quoting that. Sometimes I wish I never had all this pain. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know what love was. That way I wouldn’t be yearning for it constantly.
Madison
You’re an addict.
Desiree
And you’re not?
Madison
Not to men. You have it the worst.
Desiree
Oh, shut up.
(Madison takes a sip of her coffee. Her hand starts shaking as she sets it on the table.)
Desiree
Who’s the addict?
Madison
I’m not having this conversation.
Desiree
How many have you had today?
Madison
Two, three maybe… (Des looks at her sidelong. Madison, honestly guilty) shots per hour.
Desiree
Oh, Maddy.
Madison
Madison!
Desiree
I thought you quit.
Madison
Well, being here certainly doesn’t let me forget about it so easily.
Desiree
Maybe you need to get away.
Madison
I ain’t losing my job over this shit. My job’s more important.
Desiree
Your health is important.
Madison
I’ll change that when I’m older. You’re only young once, you know. (pause) Oh, I’m sure you know.
Desiree
I know you’re starting to tick me off.
Madison
What’s your problem?
Desiree
You said you’d lay off the coffee for a while and kick the habit, and here you are again, drinking two or three shots per hour??? I feel like I don’t know you anymore!
Madison
You’re my best friend, of course you know me.
Desiree
(pouts) No…
Madison
(holds Desiree’s chin up to look her in the eye)C’mon.
Desiree
(upset, but tries to control anger) You know, “Madison,” it sounds like we’re heading into a “breakup” fight.
Madison
Oh don’t give me that! You’re the one with the fucking problems! How can we break up? We’re not even fucking together! (Desiree cringes at the word “fuck.”) We don’t even FUCK!
Desiree
(cringing/joking) Would it make things better if we could? That way we can have great makeup sex!
Madison
You’re something else, you know that?
Desiree
I was just trying to lighten the mood. (Madison gets up) Wait! Where’re you going? We’re not done talking!
Madison
We can resume this later.
Desiree
But we have to resolve this! The future of our relationship depends on it.
Madison
So you want to talk for hours and resolve “us”?
In unison:
Desiree (nods) Since we can’t have makeup sex.
Madison(shakes head) There’s nothing to be resolved.
Madison
Really, I have to go.
Desiree
But –
Madison
Break’s over. Do you want me to get fired?
Desiree shakes head no.
Madison
Good. Then I’ll see you later. (exits to a net filled with other men?)
Desiree
(calling) You’re just like all the others, you know?! (beat) Fine! Walk out on me!
[Lights fade. Desiree gets up and walks across stage to the boat.
[Spotlight on Desiree.
Desiree as narrator:
Karma is a nasty little bitch! She’s like the sea. She can love you and carry you in the right direction one moment, but then she can turn on you and leave you capsized in a world you would have never imagined. One bad night could ruin the rest of your life. Take Bobby for example. (Bobby steps onto boat, in front of a TV).
Desiree steps into scene, stopping in front of him.
Desiree
Hey, Bobby.
Bobby
Yo, Des’ray. (Bobby, totally high)
Desiree
Ready?
Bobby
(laughs) Yeah, let’s get this party started, girl! (just sits there, out of it)
Desiree
Well, put some clothes on.
Bobby
Okay. (beat)
Desiree approaches him and touches him to rise. She sniffs his shirt, then sees the bong beside him.
Desiree
You’ve gotta be kidding me! I thought you quit!
Bobby
I did. For a day.
Desiree
You thought I wouldn’t find out?!
Bobby
You mah love, Des’ray. But Mary Jane’s mah first.
She stands him up, walks him over to starboard, and pushes him off the plank.
Sound effects of splashes to indicate he’s hit the water. Desiree walks back to the spotlight area.
Desiree as narrator:
And Cody. He was a one of a kind type of guy. The word happy didn’t exist in his world.
Cody steps onstage, leaning over a toilet.
Desiree steps into scene.
Desiree
You’ve got to gain control of your life, Cody.
Cody
I’m so fat! Why I am such a whale?
Desiree
I said you have a big heart! That has nothing to do with your physical size!
Cody
It does! You think I need to stop eating.
Desiree
That’s not what I said. Besides, even if you were fat, there’d be much more of you to love. Now will you come out of the bathroom?
Cody
Why are you so nice? I don’t deserve someone as nice as you.
Desiree
I love you and I don’t want to see the person I love hurting himself.
Cody
(crying) I don’t want to bring harm to your life anymore. So it’s better just to end mine now. (Cody takes a razor blade and cuts himself.)
Desiree
(stops him and takes the razor out of his hand. Then she helps him up and walks him to starboard) C’mon, let’s get you some help.
She pushes him off plank then walks back to the spotlight area.
----
Not the end of the scene.
